My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
A bitchslap is in order.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
