I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
