Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
