and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My ATM looks so different sober.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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