so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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