Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
