he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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