i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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