her vagina looked like bernie madoff
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Randomize
