I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
