You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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