I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
