God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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