3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
