She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
