I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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