Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
