saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
