She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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