There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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