I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
