cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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