So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
