1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
