woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
