so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
