I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
