he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
