watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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