I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
