I just saw a hot homeless man
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
