Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
