her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
