Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
