Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I AM VODKA MAN
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
