Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
