i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
