I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
