I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
