You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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