can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
