Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
