We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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