Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My day in three words: secret purse cake
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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