wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
and she was petting her beer can
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
