I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
