Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
