just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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