My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
