Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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