Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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