"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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