____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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